Stories | Matthew Alice
TEST!
Published Dec. 30, 2008
Grandma Alice isn’t taking this recession business very well. “Two years ago they squawked that we were spending like it was Mardi Gras and we needed to save our money to help the economy. Now we’re ...
Bubbly Fish, "Old McDonald"
Published Dec. 23, 2008
Dear Matt: Why does my fish blow bubbles? Sometimes it will just be hanging out and all of a sudden it will cut loose with a bubble from its mouth. How does air get in ...
Tylenol, Sweat Scents, Volcano Incinerator
Published Dec. 17, 2008
Dear Matthew Alice: While I was waiting for the Tylenol to kick in and stop my headache, I decided to read the ingredient list on the bottle. Active ingredients: Acetaminophen. Inactive ingredients: carnauba wax, cellulose, ...
Secondhand Transplants, Foot the Bill, Triboluminescence Published Dec. 10, 2008
Mattster: Say somebody has a liver transplant and then they die a while later in an accident. Can they take out the transplanted liver and ... More Post a comment
Harbor Police, Reader Hoarding, and Animals with People Names Published Dec. 3, 2008
Hey, Matt: Last year I moved to Point Loma. I grew up in San Diego but never really hung out too much by the bay. ... More Comments (5)
Botox, Numb Tongue Published Nov. 25, 2008
Hey, Matt: My girlfriend and I have a bet about Botox. I have heard it referred to as “pig botulism.” She, who works in a ... More Post a comment
Dying Animals, X-Walk Buttons, Phillips Head Published Nov. 19, 2008
Matt: I strolled into the kitchen yesterday and noticed that there was a fly perched on the edge of my counter, right next to the ... More Post a comment
Hand Sanitizers Published Nov. 12, 2008
Hey, Matt: I was using one of those hand sanitizers the other day and noticed on the bottle: “kills 99.9% of all germs.” What about ... More Post a comment
Eyeball Rubbing, Space Junk Published Nov. 5, 2008
Matt: I can’t figure this out. Maybe you can. When I’m at work, mostly, I seem to always be rubbing my face and eyes. I ... More Post a comment
Human Flavor, Alzheimer's & X-Rays Published Oct. 29, 2008
Hey, Matt! Last night I was reading Silence of the Lambs, and it got me wondering. When humans are cooked up, are they more like ... More Post a comment
Tanning Light, Beer vs. Soda, 420 Published Oct. 22, 2008
Heymatt: If I replaced the fluorescent bulbs five feet above my head at work with bulbs from a tanning bed, would I give myself a ... More Comments (3)
Train Electrocution, Ripe Bananas Published Oct. 15, 2008
Dear Matthew Alice: What would happen if lightning hit railroad tracks? Would everybody on the train be electrocuted if lightning hit the cars? — William, ... More Post a comment
Cold vs. Flu, Dodder Published Oct. 1, 2008
Dear Matt: They’re already starting to advertise for old people to get flu shots this year. It’s starting to piss me off. I don’t get ... More Post a comment
No Sleep Brings Death? Tumco Published Sept. 24, 2008
Heymatt: Sometimes I don’t sleep for a couple of days. I have a friend who told me that I could die from lack of sleep. ... More Post a comment
Jellyfish Snacks, Greenhorns, and Vaughn Published Sept. 17, 2008
Heymatt: We took the kids to the aquarium, and that got me to thinking about what eats what in the marine environment. Little fishes are ... More Post a comment
Drunken Bugs, Expiration Dates, Ped Xing Published Sept. 10, 2008
Heymatt: Everybody’s so worried about being bitten by mosquitoes these days. It sort of occurred to me that maybe if you were drunk and had ... More Post a comment
Beer Goggles, Mr. Yellow, Pea Jacket Published Sept. 3, 2008
Mr. Alice, Sir: I’ve never seen you or anybody else for that matter take on this situation. Maybe the answer is too obvious, but I ... More Comments (3)
Pregnant Parking, Wasps' Nests, Suggested Donations, "Arms" Hotels Published Aug. 27, 2008
Heymatt: I see that Horton Plaza has a section of parking for pregnant women. As a male, if I park there, will the cops (or ... More Comments (16)
Radio Contact with Airplanes, Sour Milk Published Aug. 20, 2008
Hey, Matt: Ever see big jets flying overhead, the ones leaving a white smoke trail? They fly right over our houses daily. Whee! Say, listen…I ... More Post a comment
No-Undies/Commando, Famosa Slough, Cats, Pinecones Published July 30, 2008
Heymatt: Why is not wearing underwear called “going commando” style? I would think a commando would appreciate the support and reduction of chafing that briefs ... More Post a comment
Belly Butterflies, Season Names, Gum Published July 23, 2008
Heymatt: My home-office chair is missing its back, and I nearly fell out of it this morning, giving me the “butterflies.” While the vision of ... More Post a comment
Shrunken Heads, Smoker History Published July 9, 2008
Heymatt: I’ve always wondered about shrunken heads. How do they shrink the skull? That’s bone, and I can’t figure out how anybody could shrink bone. ... More Post a comment
Diet History, Transgender Surgery Published July 2, 2008
Hey, Matt: Are you skinny or fat? And if you’re fat, are you on a diet? Everybody I know is on a diet. And some ... More Comments (2)
Duck Tape, Classical Radio Station Published June 25, 2008
Heymatt: This is a question about the most useful stuff in the world: duct tape. I used to call it duck tape until some friends ... More Post a comment
The Albatross, Booger Edibility Published June 18, 2008
Heymatt: I have read many a time that albatross spend most of their lives out over the ocean and never come ashore. Well, I guess ... More Comment (1)
Egg Orientation, Flavorless Strawberries, Human Combustion Published June 11, 2008
Matt: When a hen lays an egg, which end comes out first? Settle our bet. — Fat End and Pointed End, via email Ever seen ... More Post a comment
Collagen, Helium, and Butt Boozin' Published June 4, 2008
Hey, Matthew: Before I have collagen injections in my lips, I have to know where they get the collagen. Is it human? Does it come ... More Comment (1)
Seagulls, Pigeons, Alcohol Enemas Published May 21, 2008
Heymatt: How far inland can seagulls be found? Are they looking for quieter digs, or are they just lost out there? — Charlie Bingbang, inland ... More Post a comment
Bangs, Piggy Banks, Flies Published May 7, 2008
Dear Matt: When I was a little girl, my mother always cut my hair in bangs, straight across my forehead. I was looking at some ... More Post a comment
Gravity, Sexless Published April 30, 2008
Matthew Alice: In school we were talking about how the earth spins around like a top. The teacher said that is what makes days and ... More Post a comment
String Cheese, Obama's Grandpa, Booze & Caffeine Published April 23, 2008
Matt: We are all familiar with the two major forms of mozzarella cheese, the larger amorphous blob we grate and use on pizza and the ... More Post a comment
Perps, X-rayed Sandwiches, and Equatorial Toilets Published April 9, 2008
Heymatt:When I watch all my crime shows on TV, I’ve always wondered about lineups. There’s a bunch of five or six guys in a row ... More Post a comment
Raw Foods, Amazons, Mighty Wind Published April 2, 2008
Heymatt: I have a food question that has been giving me indigestion lately. My girlfriend is on this raw-food kick. She says cooking takes all ... More Comment (1)
Heart Smart Published Feb. 13, 2008
Heymatt: Why is the human heart considered the center of love and affection? Who decided that? And where did the valentine heart come from? Is ... More Post a comment
Morale Savior Published Feb. 6, 2008
Matthew Alice: Who invented the yellow smiley face logo? Is he a millionaire now? — Smilingly Curious, via email Some lucky people choose to make ... More Post a comment
Elvis, Where Are You Now? Published Jan. 30, 2008
Heymatt: I seem to remember that when Elvis died, he was buried somewhere other than on the grounds of Graceland, but something happened and they ... More Post a comment
Chia Pets, Channel 1, Whitened hair, Wet Fabric Color Published Jan. 16, 2008
Heymatt: What’s up with the Chia Pet? Why every Christmas are we bombarded with ads for these weird things? Where did they come from? Who ... More Post a comment
Swiss Army, Tans, Baby Corn, Six Feet Under Published Jan. 9, 2008
Dear Matthew: I got a Swiss Army Knife for Christmas. The person who gave it to me keeps trying to tell me that the Swiss ... More Post a comment
Twins, Corned Beef, and Jehovah's Witnesses Published Nov. 15, 2007
Hey, M.A.! Given the following hypothetical -- two identical twin brothers, Joe and Moe, marry two identical twin sisters, Jean and Jane, at double wedding ... More Comments (2)
Southpaw Cats, Pakistan, and Farts Published Nov. 8, 2007
Matt: Is my cat left-handed? Whenever she plays with her toys or her food, I've noticed that she uses her left paw more than her ... More Comment (1)
Heave-Ho Heifer Published Oct. 25, 2007
Hey, Matt: Three people from back East told me they had participated in cow-tipping episodes. When I said that I didn't believe them, they said ... More Post a comment
Tattooed Tears, Box Office Baloney Published Oct. 18, 2007
Dear Matthew Alice: What is the symbolism of a teardrop tattoo at the outside corner of an eye? -- Anonymous, somewhere Bigger subject than it ... More Post a comment
Baby Eyeballs, Irate on Gar-NET, Roman Numerals Published Oct. 11, 2007
Hey, Matt: Here's another argument for you to settle. I say we're born with full-size eyeballs. They don't grow as we get older. The person ... More Post a comment
Let's Stop at the Mall Published Oct. 4, 2007
Heymatt: I have a habit -- no, compulsion -- to run stop signs in mall parking lots, strip malls, and other private property locations. When ... More Post a comment
Surfing Temp, Bong Dogs, Pee Planning Published Sept. 27, 2007
Sr. Matteo: What's with the ocean temperatures this summer? Instead of the typical 70 to 71 degrees in July/August, it's been fluctuating wildly (for an ... More Post a comment
Flies: They Poop, They Die Published Sept. 20, 2007
Heymatt-- Do flies go to the bathroom, deposit feces? -- Devon Davis, 782 CBSSS/PK Hi, Matt: The flies in my home seem slower than usual, ... More Post a comment
Physics on a Bar Stool Published Sept. 20, 2007
Hi, Matt: When my boyfriend drinks beer out of a glass, he puts a paper coaster or the like on top of the glass to ... More Post a comment
Fernando's Favorite Chips Published Sept. 20, 2007
Hey, Matt: My husband swears the Tostitos of his childhood (late '70s, early '80s) were round and nacho cheese flavored. He even remembers a commercial ... More Post a comment
Norma Jeane Mortensen Baker Dougherty DiMaggio Miller Published Sept. 13, 2007
Hi, Matt: One of my favorite E. John songs is "Candle in the Wind." One question: How the hell did they make Norma Jean change ... More Post a comment
The Opposite of Jalape�o Published Sept. 13, 2007
Hey, Matt: There are plenty of ingredients or toppings that add spice to a meal, but is there anything I can add to "cool" the ... More Post a comment
The Bird Is the Word Published Aug. 30, 2007
Dear Matthew Alice, I received this info from a friend in an e-mail. Is this true or real?? Or is it a joke? The History ... More Post a comment
The Red Stuff They Drop From Planes on Fires Published Aug. 30, 2007
Hey, Matt: What is the red stuff the planes drop on the brush fires? How does it work? -- EED, via e-mail Works very well, ... More Post a comment
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